A CONFESSION/THE TRUTH

people always ask me when i'm having more kids. my family and friends happily announce their pregnancies and i'm happy for them, but at the same time i'm fighting a giant lump in my throat because it reminds me of my own struggle.  people say to me that i'm young and that i have plenty of time to have more babies and i smile and say yeah but in my head i'm saying that age doesn't matter, i've already started my family and i want it to grow, now.  i hear that i should be happy and grateful that i have cohen and believe me i am, but that doesn't mean that i don't get to want to feel that love and gratefulness towards another child, and that i don't want cohen to know what its like to have a sibling.  of course i think about how lonely he must be.  i don't want cohen to be 10 when he has a sibling, i never wanted there to be a gap between my kids like the gap between me and my brother and sister.  i never tell people about how i'm feeling because i don't want them to feel like they owe me sympathy or that they have to tip toe around me or for them to know that i'm feeling unhappy.  i am though, i cry just about everyday when i'm alone because i feel like i'm somehow failing.  i feel like there is a little soul waiting for me and i can feel the pull of her and i can't give her life.  i can't give myself what i want and i can't give my family what they want. i lie to everyone and say that i'm okay with one for now and that i just haven't been ready to have more children but i've always been ready.  i've been trying for years but schedules/bodies/etc seem to get in the way and its like some sick joke that i don't get to do what i feel like i was meant to do and the only thing i want to do with my life.  i just want to be a mom, and i just want to have so many more children.  i don't want to do anything else with my life, i don't have any other dreams or aspirations and i feel like its never going to happen.  i feel so resentful towards dan and myself and just everything most of the time because i just can't let go of this feeling.  its almost like i'm being punished and i don't know what for.  i don't know what to do with myself anymore but keep busy and keep moving on and smiling but its so hard on nights like this when everyone is bed and i don't have a baby in my arms to keep me company when i can't sleep at night.  i know everything happens for a reason but i just can't see the reason behind this.  i feel like what i'm asking isn't too much to ask and i don't want to suffer anymore.  i don't want to feel like i'm failing anymore.