1//i wear false lashes every single day. well, everyday that i get dressed. i've worn them for years and i even have them on auto-delivery via amazon so i never run out. you won't find me without them.
2//my teeth may be small but they've never had a cavity. peace out, cavity creeps.
3//as a child i spent a lot of time in the mediterranean sea. swimming, riding in a paddle boat with my brother or sister, jumping off of rocks, and snorkeling. did you know in sicily instead of sand there are beaches made entirely of pebbles! they got really hot in the sun. i can still see everything like i'm looking through a projector. the view from our terrace and where things were. strange huh.
4//i never held a baby until i was pregnant with cohen and i held my cousins baby for all of three minutes at her wedding. now i want at least four.
5//i am irrationally terrified of three things... ants, the deep ocean (tidal waves, tsunamis, trenches!), and deep space because space just goes on forever with no beginning and end and i don't like not knowing.
[uhhh btw i am featured on the front page of hello cotton today. omg!]
at 7:07 AM
when we got to h&m i got two pairs of leggings and headed to the counter and cohen was behind me standing by the escalator. i probably should have been watching him better but i was trying to pay and he usually doesn't need someone to be on him every second. he started to go down the escalator and i guess he changed his mind and tried to go up the down escalator and hit his knee pretty hard on the stair. he started crying and when i looked over my shoulder all i saw cohen laying down on the stair holding his knee and slowing being carried to the first floor.** no big deal, he is always getting hurt and it was just a bump and this will explain to him why i say don't play on the escalator.
apparently it was a very big deal. he was greeted at the bottom by a very distraught employee who snatched him up and carried him around the store yelling "he needs to see a doctor!" in german (???) and ran up to me and yelling at me in german. i had no idea what she was saying but cohen was fine, besides the humiliation he already felt that she was making way worse. i'm so glad that kevin was with me and was able to calm her down and explain that he was fine and that she was really making a huge deal out of nothing and that he didn't need to see a doctor (his knee wasn't even red!). after all the commotion died down a little i had to sign a piece of paper that said i wouldn't sue or try to have them pay for the doctor that i wasn't going to in the first place.
its been a long time since i've had one of these "mom moments". i thought i was a prodigious overreactor but i'm handing over my crown.
**no sweet prince's were harmed in the making of this day
at 1:29 PM
at 12:46 PM
btw today in art class the kids made clay bowls and i forgot how messy and complicated working with real clay was. but cohen loved it and he can't wait to go back next week and paint his work (also i kept calling the oven a kilt but its definitely a kiln, oops) i hope everyone has a lovely weekend.
at 1:49 PM
people always ask me when i'm having more kids. my family and friends happily announce their pregnancies and i'm happy for them, but at the same time i'm fighting a giant lump in my throat because it reminds me of my own struggle. people say to me that i'm young and that i have plenty of time to have more babies and i smile and say yeah but in my head i'm saying that age doesn't matter, i've already started my family and i want it to grow, now. i hear that i should be happy and grateful that i have cohen and believe me i am, but that doesn't mean that i don't get to want to feel that love and gratefulness towards another child, and that i don't want cohen to know what its like to have a sibling. of course i think about how lonely he must be. i don't want cohen to be 10 when he has a sibling, i never wanted there to be a gap between my kids like the gap between me and my brother and sister. i never tell people about how i'm feeling because i don't want them to feel like they owe me sympathy or that they have to tip toe around me or for them to know that i'm feeling unhappy. i am though, i cry just about everyday when i'm alone because i feel like i'm somehow failing. i feel like there is a little soul waiting for me and i can feel the pull of her and i can't give her life. i can't give myself what i want and i can't give my family what they want. i lie to everyone and say that i'm okay with one for now and that i just haven't been ready to have more children but i've always been ready. i've been trying for years but schedules/bodies/etc seem to get in the way and its like some sick joke that i don't get to do what i feel like i was meant to do and the only thing i want to do with my life. i just want to be a mom, and i just want to have so many more children. i don't want to do anything else with my life, i don't have any other dreams or aspirations and i feel like its never going to happen. i feel so resentful towards dan and myself and just everything most of the time because i just can't let go of this feeling. its almost like i'm being punished and i don't know what for. i don't know what to do with myself anymore but keep busy and keep moving on and smiling but its so hard on nights like this when everyone is bed and i don't have a baby in my arms to keep me company when i can't sleep at night. i know everything happens for a reason but i just can't see the reason behind this. i feel like what i'm asking isn't too much to ask and i don't want to suffer anymore. i don't want to feel like i'm failing anymore.
yesterday i went to my first frg meeting ever and it was pretty cool, potato salad was there so i was sold and tomorrow is sheet washing day which i'm dreading. i hate taking off duvet covers and i hate putting them back on even more but i read this trick where you turn the duvet cover inside out and put it on that way and it makes it way easier but i still don't like it.
at 6:41 PM
oh and i've also kept my title as #1 ikea furniture builder cos we finally went out yesterday and got cabinets for under our bathroom sinks and i built two in like an hour. and they haven't fallen apart yet so i think that means i did a good job. go me!
ps tomorrow is valentines day and you know how we're celebrating it? by sitting in a dentist office while dan gets not one, but two teeth pulled. so this whole four day weekend he'll be all moany on the couch. no special dinner, and no special dessert and i keep joking and telling him that he did it on purpose just so he could avoid this whole holiday that i don't really even care about but like to pretend i care about. he did bring home flowers though so i guess we're even.
pps its actually valentines day today now but i wrote this yesterday and never hit publish. derp.
at 5:12 AM
yesterday i learned that cohen can't do a sit up. we were at pe and they had some sort of fitness test, which gave me traumatic flashbacks of those presidential tests i had to do in pe (pull-ups in front of everyone?! no thanks!) and when it came time to do the sit ups he didn't know what they were at first, and then gave up halfway through. which is weird cos he's really fit, but i don't think anyone really enjoys doing a sit up.
yesterday at art a couple of the moms told cohen that they saw his video and thought it was so funny and everything and now he is walking around like he's the king of the world.
yesterday i realized that i miss thunderstorms, a lot. it hasn't stormed since i've been here and i've been told that it rains a lot in the spring and summer but doesn't actually storm. that makes me sad.
yesterday when i was taking a bath, i realized i was out of all of my bath bombs and soaks so i used cohens, and it smelled like him and it got me thinking that i really missed him even though it had only been two hours since we were hanging out (i almost woke him up for a forced hang!). i spent the whole bath sitting there thinking about my little prince that - as it turns out - i like as a person! i like him hard, i seriously enjoy his company. luckily i'm pretty sure he likes me back.
one box of angel food cake mix + one can of lemon pie filling. just mix it in a bowl and pour it into an ungreased pan and bake at 350 for about 20 minutes. as soon as you take it out dust it with powdered sugar and voila, you've got yourself some lemon bars.