FIVE

someone tagged me on instagram to do the whole five facts about yourself thing, and i was tagged once on a blog but i feel like i'm a little rebellious and don't like to do things when i'm told to. but now everyone is doing them here so here i am doing them on my own time, kind of:

1//i wear false lashes every single day.  well, everyday that i get dressed. i've worn them for years and i even have them on auto-delivery via amazon so i never run out.  you won't find me without them.

2//my teeth may be small but they've never had a cavity.  peace out, cavity creeps.

3//as a child i spent a lot of time in the mediterranean sea.  swimming, riding in a paddle boat with my brother or sister, jumping off of rocks, and snorkeling.  did you know in sicily instead of sand there are beaches made entirely of pebbles!  they got really hot in the sun.  i can still see everything like i'm looking through a projector.  the view from our terrace and where things were.  strange huh.

4//i never held a baby until i was pregnant with cohen and i held my cousins baby for all of three minutes at her wedding.  now i want at least four.

5//i am irrationally terrified of three things... ants, the deep ocean (tidal waves, tsunamis, trenches!), and deep space because space just goes on forever with no beginning and end and i don't like not knowing.

[uhhh btw i am featured on the front page of hello cotton today. omg!]

H&M HATES ME

well not really, well maybe.  today i got it into my head that we had to go to pick up more leggings because i recently discovered that their very inexpensive (9 euro!) leggings felt and looked amazing and the last time i was there i only saw four.  the day started out really well, we met up with a family friend and cohen finally got to try a fish sandwich from this place we always walk by and asks about (can you see how unsure he is about the skin still being on the fish?) and then i picked up a pastry for lunch. oh and we even slept in until 10 this morning... oh yes we did!

when we got to h&m i got two pairs of leggings and headed to the counter and cohen was behind me standing by the escalator.  i probably should have been watching him better but i was trying to pay and he usually doesn't need someone to be on him every second. he started to go down the escalator and i guess he changed his mind and tried to go up the down escalator and hit his knee pretty hard on the stair.  he started crying and when i looked over my shoulder all i saw cohen laying down on the stair holding his knee and slowing being carried to the first floor.**  no big deal, he is always getting hurt and it was just a bump and this will explain to him why i say don't play on the escalator.

apparently it was a very big deal.  he was greeted at the bottom by a very distraught employee who snatched him up and carried him around the store yelling "he needs to see a doctor!" in german (???) and ran up to me and yelling at me in german.  i had no idea what she was saying but cohen was fine, besides the humiliation he already felt that she was making way worse.  i'm so glad that kevin was with me and was able to calm her down and explain that he was fine and that she was really making a huge deal out of nothing and that he didn't need to see a doctor (his knee wasn't even red!).  after all the commotion died down a little i had to sign a piece of paper that said i wouldn't sue or try to have them pay for the doctor that i wasn't going to in the first place.

its been a long time since i've had one of these "mom moments".  i thought i was a prodigious overreactor but i'm handing over my crown.

**no sweet prince's were harmed in the making of this day

IDK + A PLAYLIST

this weekend was way lazy and i actually can't remember one thing about yesterday (is that normal?!) but today we bought groceries and ate doners and attended church online in my pajamas. no complaints over here!  ps. i made a little playlist for the car today, and now i can't stop listening to it

FEELING A LITTLE LESS FUNKY

and by a little less funky i mean i'm in less of a funk.  having support is such a strange feeling (i feel good, but kind of naked?) its not that people haven't supported me in the past, but its just that i dont give them anything to have to support.  i'm not the type of person to talk about my problems, i don't like to feel vulnerable i'm more of the suffer in silence type but the amount and quality of support and sweet texts, emails, and comments i got was so needed and appreciated.  ever since i wrote that post i feel like a huge weight as been lifted off of me. i might even try to be open more often, who knows.  so today i felt way less in a funk then i did the day before, thank you.

btw today in art class the kids made clay bowls and i forgot how messy and complicated working with real clay was.  but cohen loved it and he can't wait to go back next week and paint his work (also i kept calling the oven a kilt but its definitely a kiln, oops)  i hope everyone has a lovely weekend.

A CONFESSION/THE TRUTH

people always ask me when i'm having more kids. my family and friends happily announce their pregnancies and i'm happy for them, but at the same time i'm fighting a giant lump in my throat because it reminds me of my own struggle.  people say to me that i'm young and that i have plenty of time to have more babies and i smile and say yeah but in my head i'm saying that age doesn't matter, i've already started my family and i want it to grow, now.  i hear that i should be happy and grateful that i have cohen and believe me i am, but that doesn't mean that i don't get to want to feel that love and gratefulness towards another child, and that i don't want cohen to know what its like to have a sibling.  of course i think about how lonely he must be.  i don't want cohen to be 10 when he has a sibling, i never wanted there to be a gap between my kids like the gap between me and my brother and sister.  i never tell people about how i'm feeling because i don't want them to feel like they owe me sympathy or that they have to tip toe around me or for them to know that i'm feeling unhappy.  i am though, i cry just about everyday when i'm alone because i feel like i'm somehow failing.  i feel like there is a little soul waiting for me and i can feel the pull of her and i can't give her life.  i can't give myself what i want and i can't give my family what they want. i lie to everyone and say that i'm okay with one for now and that i just haven't been ready to have more children but i've always been ready.  i've been trying for years but schedules/bodies/etc seem to get in the way and its like some sick joke that i don't get to do what i feel like i was meant to do and the only thing i want to do with my life.  i just want to be a mom, and i just want to have so many more children.  i don't want to do anything else with my life, i don't have any other dreams or aspirations and i feel like its never going to happen.  i feel so resentful towards dan and myself and just everything most of the time because i just can't let go of this feeling.  its almost like i'm being punished and i don't know what for.  i don't know what to do with myself anymore but keep busy and keep moving on and smiling but its so hard on nights like this when everyone is bed and i don't have a baby in my arms to keep me company when i can't sleep at night.  i know everything happens for a reason but i just can't see the reason behind this.  i feel like what i'm asking isn't too much to ask and i don't want to suffer anymore.  i don't want to feel like i'm failing anymore.

COCO THE MODEL

cohen got a haircut, same style just a a touch up and i snapped this picture on our walk home, and it got over 650 likes on instagram (???).  like i really think its time that i take him to some agencies and see if we can get him into some modeling work.  right?

yesterday i went to my first frg meeting ever and it was pretty cool, potato salad was there so i was sold and tomorrow is sheet washing day which i'm dreading.  i hate taking off duvet covers and i hate putting them back on even more but i read this trick where you turn the duvet cover inside out and put it on that way and it makes it way easier but i still don't like it.

PIZZA PARTY!

last year i was browsing urban outfitters for random home decor in their sale section when i saw a pizza party kit for way cheap and i knew right then and there that i had to get it because who knows when you want to have an impromptu pizza party?  well tonight was the night when everyone declared that they wanted pizza for dinner and i was all like why not make it a party for three (four if you count pkitty) and everyone was all like "heck yes!".  we hung the garland, set out the plates, put on our hats and ate way too much pizza and then i ate some more an hour later just because it was looking at me.  coco and i baked a red velvet poke cake and then we all had a duck dynasty marathon which is a huge deal because we finally found a show that all of us can agree on and i'm really into it cos jase is super cute and i don't mind having to look at him ;) but it also makes me really want to go fishing.

oh and i've also kept my title as #1 ikea furniture builder cos we finally went out yesterday and got cabinets for under our bathroom sinks and i built two in like an hour. and they haven't fallen apart yet so i think that means i did a good job. go me!

HOBBIT STYLE

i've been using coconut oil for a couple of years but not often enough and today i decided that its time to really commit to coconut oil because everyone is so obsessed with it and that means it has to be good right?  so after a lot of convincing cohen agreed to step out into the frozen tundra (25 degrees and icy!) to walk around town to see if we could find any and on the way i got distracted at a store and filled my arms with packets of bath salts and soaks and at the register i realized that i left my wallet at home.  i've done this before at target but it wasn't a big deal because a quick drive back home had me back in line in 5 minutes.  but here we had to walk all the way back home.  and then back again.  there and back again, i feel like bilbo baggins.  once we were out we got distracted by h&m and all the window shopping that we like to do that i completely forgot to even look for coconut oil.  i did a little math and we walked about 8 miles yesterday and we didn't even do what we had set out to do.  but at least we got fresh air/exercise right?

ps tomorrow is valentines day and you know how we're celebrating it?  by sitting in a dentist office while dan gets not one, but two teeth pulled.  so this whole four day weekend he'll be all moany on the couch.  no special dinner, and no special dessert and i keep joking and telling him that he did it on purpose just so he could avoid this whole holiday that i don't really even care about but like to pretend i care about.  he did bring home flowers though so i guess we're even.

pps its actually valentines day today now but i wrote this yesterday and never hit publish.  derp.

YESTERDAY

yesterday i got to do my favourite thing in the world, brunch! i love brunch, i want to be the person that eats brunch every single day.  there's something about it that makes me feel so fancy and important.

yesterday i learned that cohen can't do a sit up.  we were at pe and they had some sort of fitness test, which gave me traumatic flashbacks of those presidential tests i had to do in pe (pull-ups in front of everyone?! no thanks!) and when it came time to do the sit ups he didn't know what they were at first, and then gave up halfway through. which is weird cos he's really fit, but i don't think anyone really enjoys doing a sit up.

yesterday at art a couple of the moms told cohen that they saw his video and thought it was so funny and everything and now he is walking around like he's the king of the world.

yesterday i realized that i miss thunderstorms, a lot.  it hasn't stormed since i've been here and i've been told that it rains a lot in the spring and summer but doesn't actually storm.  that makes me sad.

yesterday when i was taking a bath, i realized i was out of all of my bath bombs and soaks so i used cohens, and it smelled like him and it got me thinking that i really missed him even though it had only been two hours since we were hanging out (i almost woke him up for a forced hang!).  i spent the whole bath sitting there thinking about my little prince that - as it turns out - i like as a person!  i like him hard, i seriously enjoy his company.  luckily i'm pretty sure he likes me back.

NOTHING HAPPENED TODAY

like nothing.  we did some german lessons, learned about the earth's crust and core, and did an art project about symmetry.  i caught up with all of the laundry and we walked to the market to buy a tomato and a chocolate bar to share and got caught in the snow in the way back.  i'm also scheduling the next few months like crazy, it seems like there is no time to do anything before this deployment.

WHEN MAMA IS IN THE SHOWER

today when i took a shower, coco took the chance to make videos and take photos of himself on my computer, as usual.  this time i caught him in the act,he's such a little ham. (did you catch his cute embarrassed face at the end haha)

LAZY LEMON BARS

a few years ago my neighbour told me a recipe that was literally the laziest (and yummy) dessert recipe ever.  i usually keep these two ingredients in my pantry for emergency parties and potlucks so i always have something to whip up.

one box of angel food cake mix + one can of lemon pie filling. just mix it in a bowl and pour it into an ungreased pan and bake at 350 for about 20 minutes.  as soon as you take it out dust it with powdered sugar and voila, you've got yourself some lemon bars.